


i think i'll just stay here and drink;

by unintentionallyangsty



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: (sad boys kissing), Boys Kissing, Brotzly - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Domestic Fluff, Drinking, First Kiss, Fluff, Kissing, Light Angst, M/M, Romance, Romantic Fluff, it's gay folks, pure fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-26
Updated: 2017-06-26
Packaged: 2018-11-19 09:44:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11310780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unintentionallyangsty/pseuds/unintentionallyangsty
Summary: In which Dirk is (surprisingly) more capable at the art of heavy drinking than one would originally assume.And Todd is... not.





	i think i'll just stay here and drink;

**Author's Note:**

> this was _originally_ a piece for brotzly week, but i fell into a pit of non-activity for a bit and missed the deadline by a bit (read: a lot)
> 
> this follows with my own personal headcanon that Dirk Gently is a bit more... seasoned than a lot of people give him credit for, Todd included.  
> (i also just wanted an excuse to write Todd as a tiny lightweight, which is another personal headcanon of mine. hoo boy)

The first time it happened, it was Todd storming into the apartment on a thundercloud, a bottle of cheap rum clutched tightly in one hand and a moody expression tugging his eyebrows low over his eyes.

Dirk raised an eyebrow at the scene, and kept a respectful distance.

“Bad day?” He called, over the sound of Todd slamming the front door forcefully shut behind himself and grunting in frustration when it simply bounced back open off of the broken lock.

He turned swiftly and pegged Dirk with a long, sour look. 

“You could say that.” He finally replied, deflating a little when Dirk refused to cower in the face of his frustration and simply blinked cheekily in response.

“And you think that’ll help?” Dirk continued, striding forward and nodding down to the bottle Todd was tossing (none too gently) onto the countertop.

Todd paused, glancing briefly between the bottle and Dirk himself before huffing. 

“I think it’ll be better than doing nothing.”

Dirk rolled his eyes, though immediately feigned innocence when Todd shot him a dark glare at the action. 

“I’m just saying.” Dirk replied easily, though with a low note of warning intentionally lacing his tone, leaning forward and placing his elbows against Todd’s counter, “It might not help as much as you think it will.” 

Todd smirked a little, glancing upward and meeting Dirk’s gaze with a wry one of his own.

“Listen, Dirk.” He began, and Dirk resisted the urge to roll his eyes, “I know you might not be totally… well-versed--”

“You mean experienced.” Dirk interrupted.

“Experienced, then.” Todd amended, furrowing his brow a little, “With this kind of thing, but just let me have this, okay?”

Dirk nodded sagely, “Of course, Todd.”

“Thank you.” Todd nodded shortly, sarcastically. 

“You can’t possibly finish that bottle on your own, though.”

Todd’s brows knitted together, and he looked, for a moment, affronted. 

“That’s…. Not really the plan.” He answered, hesitantly. 

“You’ll need help then, I assume.” Dirk continued smoothly, as if it were the most natural progression of the conversation and not at all out of character.

At least, he reflected wryly, out of the character Todd had assumed.

Todd, who was blinking in shock as if Dirk had just admitted to something quite alarming.

“You-- What?” His eyes flickered to the bottle at his elbow, “Dirk, I don’t know if you should-- if we should--”

“Oh, bullocks.” Dirk interrupted, “I have nothing better planned for the evening. And look! Your mood’s improving already just thinking about it. You can’t possibly imagine that drinking alone in the quiet of your apartment, wallowing in shallow depression and waiting for your mood to improve along with your intoxication levels is actually going to be any fun at _all_.”

Todd frowned a little moodily, and Dirk would almost call it a pout, were he not certain that Todd might consider the word a little offensive.

“I-- You know what?” He finally sputtered, deflating a little and giving Dirk a warning glance, “You do what you want, Dirk. But if this ends badly…”

“I won’t blame you.” Dirk assured quickly, nodding his agreement. 

Todd studied him another painfully long moment, before exhaling a long breath and moving forward into the kitchen to where Dirk could only assume he kept his shot glasses.

Dirk allowed himself a small, amused smile then, trying not to appear too eager as he anticipated the evening ahead.

\---

Three shots and an hour later, and Dirk was certain that this had been a very, _very_ good idea.

That is, for he himself. He had begun to feel a slight buzz, making him feel pleasantly warm and a little dizzy, but nothing too bad.

Nothing he couldn’t handle. 

Todd, however, seemed to be an (amusingly) different story, entirely. 

He’d begun the evening by pulling two beers out of the fridge, cracking one open for himself before offering the other to Dirk, eyebrows raised expectantly. 

Dirk raised his own eyebrows in question. 

“What’s this for?” He inquired hesitantly, “I thought we were doing shots, not… this.”

Todd rolled his eyes, “This is the chaser. You’ll want it.” 

Dirk pondered the outstretched drink for a moment, before shaking his head firmly. 

“I’ll pass.” 

Todd raised an incredulous eyebrow, “Dirk, I’m serious.”

“And so am I.” Dirk responded resolutely, “I’ll pass.” 

Todd studied him another long, bewildered moment before shrugging, as if it didn’t bother him either way, and taking a swig of his own beer.

The vaguely curious looks he kept shooting Dirk, however, spoke otherwise. 

In truth, Dirk had never bothered with a “chaser” before. It seemed too much like a filler, a waste of time in between what the objective really was. 

His objective this time, he’d decided, was to make as much of an effort as was necessary to outdrink Todd Brotzman. 

(Prove him wrong, in truth, though Dirk didn’t see much of a difference)

As it turned out, Dirk’s objective was beginning to look like it might be a little more easily achieved than he’d originally anticipated. 

Todd had looked vaguely ill after the first shot, reaching quickly for his beer and chasing the taste down quickly, his nose wrinkling with distaste. 

Dirk had watched the scene unfold before him with wide eyes, enraptured and a little startled. 

He wasn’t sure what had prompted the idea (more likely than not Todd’s “washed up rocker” persona), but he’d somehow automatically assumed that his small companion would be quite “well-versed” himself, when it came to drinking. 

It seemed that this was, surprisingly, not quite the case.

Which was fine, Dirk thought, knocking back his first shot with little effort and trying not to laugh outright at the bewildered expression on Todd’s face.

It certainly made his goals much, much more achievable.

Two shots later, and the shift in Todd’s attitude was almost laughable. 

He was sat on the floor across the living room from Dirk, his back leaning heavily against his bed, which seemed to be doing the most right now to keep him upright, and his legs spread lazily before him.

Dirk tried not to continue his first, initial glance at the appendages, shocked as he was at the sheer shortness of the limbs.

(Maybe, he thought with a somewhat dizzying blink, the alcohol was affecting him more than he’d initially believed)

“You’re very small.” He commented out loud, confirming his previous theory and flushing a bit at his own openness. 

Todd blinked a little blearily from across the room, before the words truly seemed to catch up with him and he furrowed his brow in what Dirk could only describe as frustration. 

“Not all of us can be fucking beanpoles.” He snapped irritably, lurching forward to grab at the bottle of rum that sat open on the floor beside him and hesitating (his eyes narrowing in concentration) before pouring himself another (smaller than the previous, Dirk noted) shot.

“Well, not all of us can the size of toddlers.” Dirk replied immediately, ignoring Todd’s disgusted look in favor of making grabby hands at the bottle himself until Todd relented and passed it over with a huff. 

“You’re actually kind of a rude guy, you know?” Todd commented, his cheeks stained a bright pink with what Dirk assumed was anger (though it very well could have been something closer to sheer embarrassment)

Dirk tried not to pout.

“Yes, well.” He shifted a little, “I’m trying.”

“But it’s something…” Todd trailed off, eyeing the shot still held in his (vaguely trembling) hand for another long moment before knocking it back with a grimace, quickly reaching for his beer with the other hand.

Dirk mirrored the action, blinking innocently when Todd shot him a disgusted look over the top of his beer can.

“It’s something else.” Todd continued, gasping a little bit but resolutely jutting his chin out and acting as if nothing had happened to interrupt the conversation in the first place, “Everyone just kind of expects you to be this-- this sweet, perfect guy.”

“No one expects me to be perfect, I assure you.” Dirk argued, a little taken aback at how quickly his cheeks had begun to flame at the words. 

“Nobody that actually _knows_ you.” Todd insisted, gesturing firmly with both hands to prove his point and nearly lurching forward entirely with the action, “Why do they-- You’re an asshole!”

Dirk rolled his eyes fondly, hit with such a sudden wave of nostalgia at the words that he almost laughed with the force of it.

“Thank you.” He replied instead, ignoring Todd rolling his own eyes but getting a small feeling that his companion felt more or less the same about the entire situation.

He paused, biting his lip and hesitating briefly before continuing, “I’m supposed to believe this from _you_ , of course. It’s laughable.”

Todd smirked, swigging the rest of his beer swiftly before moving forward immediately to grab another can from the coffee table.

“Everyone _knows_ that I’m an asshole, Dirk. Doesn’t it, y’know?” He gestured vaguely, pausing almost listlessly and seeming as if he’d leave off where he’d stopped almost entirely before lurching back into action like someone had pressed play, “Take one to know one, and all that?”

“Precisely my point.” Dirk countered, wishing suddenly that he had accepted the beer in the beginning, if for no reason other than to have something to do with his hands as he spoke. 

He settled for fiddling uncomfortably with the bottom of his tie (the comforting zipper of his jacket discarded when he’d shed the garment near the beginning of the evening)

Todd raised an eyebrow in confusion, and Dirk took a deep breath before hurrying to continue.

“Everyone _thinks_ that you’re an asshole. And you may have done some… asshole-ish things, in the past.” He ignored the brief flash of discomfort registering on Todd’s face in favor of pressing on firmly, “But you’re really… not. You’re innately good, at heart. You want to do the right thing and care _deeply_ about those whom you _do_ care about and you’re-- you’re _soft_. Not much of an asshole at all, and--”

“Dirk,” Todd made to interrupt, looking frustrated and a little overwhelmed. 

“You _saved_ me.” Dirk persisted, as if there had been no interruption, “You stuck around and helped me solve a mystery! And-- and you got me back home again. And, if I’m to draw conclusions from this, that doesn’t sound like something an _‘asshole’_ might do. None of those things. You’re not an asshole, and not much of a judge of character, either. At the very least, not your own.”

They sat facing each other in relative silence, Dirk suddenly finding that he had to catch his breath after his brief tirade, and letting his gaze drop uncomfortably. 

In truth, the words were some that he’d been meaning to say to Todd for a long time, though he found himself consistently attempting to insinuate the sentiment through his actions on any given day; and within every interaction he had with Todd Brotzman.

When it seemed that the silence might stretch on forever (and Dirk was momentarily concerned that he’d outrightly offended his smaller companion) he raised his eyes hesitantly, only to meet Todd’s wide-eyed and bewildered expression head on.

( _Offense might still be on the cards, then_ , Dirk thought warily)

Todd opened his mouth, and Dirk was briefly afraid that there was a long argument coming before he closed it again, suddenly, his brows furrowing as if he were truly contemplating Dirk’s words.

(and wouldn’t _that_ would be a first?)

“I didn’t want to drink alone tonight.” Todd spoke, so suddenly that Dirk nearly jolted where he was sat. 

He cocked his head, narrowing his eyes and studying Todd in confusion, briefly wondering just how intoxicated the man was if _that_ was the response he’d finally settled on.

“Pardon?” He finally blurted.

Todd blinked before raising his eyes and meeting Dirk’s gaze resolutely, a steely determination in his gaze that hadn’t been there moments before.

“I didn’t want to drink alone tonight.” He repeated insistently, blowing out a breath and chuckling a little drily, “It wasn’t even that bad of a day. I-- _God_.” He paused, releasing another breath and letting his eyes fall briefly shut.

Dirk just barely resisted the urge to surge forward and place an encouraging hand on Todd’s small shoulder.

“I knew you’d be here.” Todd finally continued, the words nearly jumbling together in his haste to get them out.

Dirk raised an incredulous eyebrow, “How…?” 

“Call it a hunch?” Todd replied lowly, quirking his lips almost humorlessly. 

When Dirk failed to react beyond a small, confused shake of his head, Todd sighed.

“I was-- I was hoping that you’d be here.” He admitted, his voice small.

“I don’t understand.” Dirk replied immediately, then, unable to keep his queries to himself any longer, “You wanted me to be here because you wanted to… _drink_ with me?”

“No!” Todd cried, such vehemence in his tone that Dirk drew back in shock, blinking a little, “No, drinking was kind of-- Ah, kind of a backup plan.” Todd rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. 

Dirk quirked an eyebrow, “You… didn’t want to drink together?” He hazarded, and Todd nodded a hesitant affirmation, his wide gaze suddenly trained on Dirk’s as if he couldn’t physically look away,

“You wanted me here for… what, then?”

Todd blinked, before deflating a little, a disappointed look crossing his face.

“I wanted you here because…” He trailed off, “Because I wanted to be with you. Not necessarily _drink_ with you.”

Todd raised his eyebrows expectantly, as if the words were a statement of their own and not just a rehashing of words he’d already repeated that evening.

Dirk opened his mouth to reply in sheer exasperation, before the gears in his mind seemed to slow, the conversation slowly (ever so slowly) clicking into place and making him blink, a little stunned; the insinuation behind the words not seeming quite believable, just yet.

“You wanted to… spend time together?” He inquired, slowly, feigning forced innocence in hopes that Todd would make his position on the matter clear, and save Dirk the embarrassment of leaping forward now and jumping to any humiliating conclusions.

If his hunches on the matter were correct, however, he’d been waiting for any sign-- any opportunity to jump to those exact conclusions for quite a considerable amount of time, now.

Todd furrowed his brow, but nodded again hastily.

Dirk pursed his lips, attempting to appear as contemplative as possible as he mulled the information over.

“I don’t understand.” He finally repeated, shrugging and trying not to laugh outright at the near crestfallen expression on Todd’s face, “We spend time together nearly _every day_ , Todd. I--”

“Jesus Christ!” Todd exclaimed, lurching upright from his sitting position so quickly that Dirk was briefly afraid that he’d lurch straight to the ground, and moving forward until he and Dirk sat hardly a breath apart; his hands planted on either side of Dirk’s hips and his sweet, rum scented breaths ghosting over Dirk’s lips.

Dirk blinked, fighting the urge to pull back, and swallowed thickly at how quickly things had escalated.

Todd seemed to hesitate, however, drawing back and glancing up to meet Dirk’s gaze with an unspoken question hovering just behind his wide, somewhat glazed eyes.

“Is this--” He whispered, furrowing his brow and clearing his throat before attempting again, “Are-- Did you--”

“Todd.” Dirk interrupted firmly, a little irritated by his voice cracking huskily on the single syllable, “I swear, if you don’t kiss me right now I’ll--I’ll--”

It seemed the words were all the encouragement Todd needed (which was a relief, to be honest, as Dirk was having a somewhat embarrassingly hard time thinking of an even vaguely valid threat).

The smaller man surged forward with a strangled groan and slotted his lips firmly over Dirk’s, his fingers tangling tightly in Dirk’s hair as if he’d been restraining himself from doing just so all evening.

Dirk let out a small moan at the contact, and Todd hesitated only a moment before shifting to suck insistently at Dirk’s lower lip, something Dirk was only all too eager to allow.

Of all the times he’d envisioned this (or something like this), Dirk thought distantly, he’d never imagined kissing Todd would feel quite as… _right_. 

As if the Universe had been waiting for this moment singularly, and was suddenly ready to allow him to feel as if everything was falling into place.

Dirk allowed Todd to nip and suck at his lips contently for another long moment, before he tilted his head in the opposite direction, flicking his tongue out to wet his own lips before probing curiously at Todd’s mouth.

Todd inhaled a little gasp, before opening eagerly to Dirk’s questioning tongue, his shoulders beginning to tremble beneath where Dirk had rested his hands.

(Dirk firmly noted the reaction, and cataloged the information for later use)

All too soon, it felt, Todd drew back from the kiss and sat a moment with his eyes still closed, catching his breath as his cheeks stained a fascinating pink that Dirk had to tear his gaze roughly from, dangerously close as he was to becoming much too distracted by the development.

Todd’s eyes fluttered open, slowly, and he sat, swaying slightly and gazing at Dirk with a somewhat dazed expression still on his face.

Dirk assumed that he didn’t look much better.

“Well,” Dirk murmured, somewhat breathlessly, when the silence between the two continued to stretch on, and it seemed that Todd was going to remain resolutely silent in his intent study of Dirk’s face, “That was quite-- that was-- um,”

“A first.” Todd cut in, blinking as if coming out of a daze and furrowing his eyebrows, looking for all the world a little _wary_ of Dirk’s reaction.

Which was, Dirk mused, absolutely ridiculous, and he would have scoffed at the thought, were it not for his own nervousness and hesitation suddenly tightening his own chest.

“Truly.” Dirk replied matter-of-factly, nodding a little and swallowing again before tentatively meeting Todd’s gaze, “Preferably not a last… however?”

“Definitely not a last.” Todd exclaimed, immediately and breathlessly, and flushed a little further in embarrassment not moments later.

Dirk felt a wide, giddy smile begin to spread across his face, though he attempted to school the expression into something a little more neutral for Todd’s sake.

“Quite right.” He agreed, finally allowing his gaze to drop (quite obviously) back to Todd’s lips before meeting Todd’s own eyes again, “In fact, Todd, if we wanted to have a second…”

Todd, it seemed, was thinking more or less the same thing, and had already risen back up onto his knees to press his face closer.

“Now’s good.” He murmured, nodding eagerly. 

“Now’s good.” Dirk repeated, just as Todd’s lips descended upon his own and made any attempt at further conversation quite impossible. 

This, Dirk realized as he grinned beneath a small, but apparent, smile of Todd’s own, he was _more_ than content with.

**Author's Note:**

> so basically, i just like writing these two kissing.  
> the dghda Big Bang deadline is quickly approaching, which i am absolutely THRILLED about, so you'll be seeing me again not too long from now! (with lots more kissing promised)
> 
> as always, you can find me over at my tumblr [elijahwoodnot](http://elijahwoodnot.tumblr.com) where, despite me rarely talking about my writing, i am always excited to take writing prompts, or even just chat about Dirk Gently and his Gay Assistant.
> 
> thanks for reading!!


End file.
